24 Season 5 Premiere synopsis (spoilers)

Warning: spoilers for the Season 5 opening of 24.
Opening credites: "Special Guest Appearance: Dennis Haysbert"
Me: Uh-oh.
Palmer: *dies*
Me: Headshot!
Michelle and Tony: *fight*
Me: Meh.
Michelle: *dies*
Me: Yay!
Tony: *dies*
Me: The Tony/Jack slashers will hate this.
Tony: *is actually critical*
Me: ...of course. They weren't kidding when they said everything would change in the first five minutes.
MILF: Have breakfast with us.
Bish: *tries to take on the master*
Jack: *calls his bluff*
Chloe: (to new character she just slept with) This was a msitake.
Me: Nice butt.
Badguys: *try and kill Chloe*
Chloe: *outwits*
*calls Jack*
Jack: *steals chopper, kidnaps Bish*
*saves Chloe*
Badguy: *is wounded*You were framed for Palmer's murder. *is shot*
Bish: OMG!
Me: That's a guy. A GUY, Jonn.
Golden trio: We go to the Hotel where Palmer was shot, so we can find the Philosopher's Stone.
Chloe: This will be a sneaking mission. I can use the computer the terrorists conveiniently left in their van. And the communications equipment.
CTU: There's a threat against the visiting Soviet dignitary. And Jack was seen on the security camera. And Chloe is logged in remotely. Jack must be forcing her.
President Logan: Speech.
First Lady: Let me see my husband, or I will have you and your family eating dog food out of a can!
Secret Agent Man: No.
First Lady: Crap.
Logan: Now that the speech is over, Honey, what's wrong?
First Lady: Palmer was going to tell me something important before he died.
Logan: Have you been off your meds?
FL: No.
Logan: I'll look into it.
Security Chief: I'll look into it.
CTU: Logan, Jack is alive.
Logan: OMG.
CTU: And you should probably cancel the Russian dude's trip.
Logan: Frick no.
Bish: Why do you keep calling him "Jack"?
Chloe: Because he faked his death when the gov't tried to kill him.
Bish: Oh snap.
Logan: Mrs. Logan? This not-altered-at-all tape shows you dreamed it all. JT is alive.
Jack: *disguises self* *wins trust of Palmer's effete brother*
Me: Jack/Tony/Palmer bro OTP!
Chloe: I am sending a decryption program for that mysterious file Palmer encrypted, even though I have no idea what format it is written in, and you're using a Mac.
Program: *decrypts*
Me: *goes to bathroom*
Plot: *advances*
Jack: Now to sneak out of the airport and return his Bishiness.
CTU: *locks Chloe out*
Chloe: Oh snap.
Jack: *escapes Hotel crawling with cops*
Chloe: *is diversion*
Jack: *jacks car*
Me: Heh.
Jack: *drives to station* I am giving you back to your mother. Oh, and I'm a secret agent. Now I am going into this airport.
Shadowy Terrorist Boss: Attack.
Badguys: *park at airport*
Russian dignitary: *Lands safely.*
CTU: Huh.
Bish: Those look like badguys. I've got to tell Jack! *goes into station*
MILF: Oh snap.
Random fat guy: *is interrogated*
Badguys: *take over airport*
Bish: Onoz.
Jack: *is distracted*
Fat guy: *kills self with pill*
Me: Should've laid off the V.
Badguys: You'll be fine as long as the Russian President and Logan meet our demands.
Security chief: *plots with badguy*
Clock: Beep. Boop. Beep. Boop.
Me: Oh snap.


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