OCP: January 2006

24 Day 5:9AM-11AM

I've decided to make this a series.

The following contains spoilers for 24 Day 5:9AM to 11AM.

Beep. Boop.
Airport: *is being held by terrorists*
Terrorists: *reiterate threat to kill all the hostages if the Russian-American peace treaty is signed*
Me:Why does all this stuff happen in LA, anywhoo?
Clock: *is ticking*
Jack: *climbs into roof*
Me: Now that's vertical thinking.
Terrorists: Let's kill some guy in a suit!
Random guy: *is killed*
Jack: *takes pictures with his 4-megapixel Sprintâ„¢ cameraphone-PDA*
CTU: Good work, Jack. Despite you having faked your own death, we'll trust your intel and move in an a half-hour.
Terrorists: We're going to kill Bish next!
Bish: Derek. My name is Derek.
Jack: Oh snap. *takes more pictures*
Chloe: Despite my having helped a wanted man to escape, you need me to work your computers.
Jack: Chloe, they're going to kill Derek, that effete young man you bonded with two hours ago!
Chloe: OMG.
Jack: I need you to find the frequency of the secondary detonator that the terrorist is wearing in the picture I just sent you from my 4-megapixel Sprintâ„¢ cameraphone-PDA.
Chloe: Sure thing, Jack. I'll recruit the dude I slept with who looks like a twelfth-grader!
Dude: I have excellent fashion sense.
Me: Meanwhile, back at the ranch;
First lady: Mad? I am not Mad! Hearken! and observe how healthily --how calmly I can tell you the whole story.
Girl Friday: I'm hot!
First lady: I need you to stall the large, loutish Serviceman so I can go through the transcripts of the altered phone call.
Girl Friday: Roger that.
Random tech guy: *is peeing*
First lady: *is in wrong bathroom*
Tech dude: Ma'am? You shouldn't be in here.
First lady: If you do not give me the key to the transcript room, I will act like you tried to rape me.
*opens skirt and blouse, therby making it look like an attempted rape and providing a bit of fanservice for anyone watching with fetishes for hot older women and/or Oedipus complexes*
Me: *mutes*
First lady: *gets into transcript room*
Jack: *makes terrorist go boom*
Logan: Agent did not.
Wade Cunningham, Presidential Security Guy: Um, yeah, shadowy badguy leader? I'm going to need you to go ahead and use the Bish to get the bad guy to surrender. He, yeah, he means something to Jack.
Shadowy badguy leader: Wouldn't that joke have been more appropriate for a scene at CTU?
Me: Pay no attention to the Puppetmaster.
Bill Buchanan: I would like to welcome Lynn McGill to the CTU Team.
CTU: Aren't you Sam Ga-
McGill: No.
CTU: Lynn?
McGill: I hate you so much.
Buchanan: I'm going to work around you.
McGill: And I'll undermine your authourity, comandeer your office, and demand that you address me as "Mr. McGill", Mr. Buchanan.
Me: That's right; encourage the slashers. You'll be pregnant by the time Wade gets killed in a karmically satistfying fashion, just you wait.
Dude who Chloe slept with: I worked with McGill; he's a dick. And my name is Spencer.
Bald Badguy: We know you're there, Bauer! Come out with your hands up!
Jack: *comes out with hands up*
Episode: *ends*
Next episode: *begins*
Bald badguy: I want you to lure the CTU team into an ambush.
Jack: Curtis! Breach the south wall! I am in a Flank 2 position! A Flank 2 position!
Me: Well, that's subtle.
Curtis: Hookay.
McGill: I want to review Jack's transmissions.
Buchanan: Oookay, prick.
McGill: What?
Buchanan: I said, okay, McGill.
Wade: Girl friday, I need to know what the FLOTUS did with the transcripts. If you don't tell me, you can go to jail.
Girl friday: *rolls* They're in her blouse.
Wade: Oh snap.
President: Oookay, I'm going to sign this treaty. The terrorists said they would kill the hostages if I signed this treaty. Good thing that's exactly when CTU is going in.
Shadowy badguy head: He's going to sign the Anti-Terrorist Treaty with Russia. As soon as he does, kill the hostages.
Shadowy badguy base: I am the inverse of CTU!
Bald badguy: Roger that.
FLOTUS: *tries to get Logan's attention*
Logan: *ignores*
Jack: I am in a Flank 2 position! Make sure your fire doesn't hit me!
Cutris: Boy, Jack, you're sure saying "Flank 2 position" a lot. One would think that you were trying to tell me something.
Jack: I hate you so much.
Terrorist: *give keycard to hostage*
Hostage: *lies back down with other hostages*
Jack: *observes*
CTU: Operation commences in five...
McGill: Stop! Cast not that ring into Gondor!
Buchanan: Wha?
McGill: Jack used a duress code!
Buchanan: Don't be ridiculous. We ran it through filters.
McGill: Did you check the codes used when Jack was still an agent?
Buchanan: ...no.
Curtis: Redploy according to the original plan! Thank goodness Logna is running late.
Logan: *running late*
Terrorists: *lying in abmush*
Charges: *go boom*
Terrorists: *ambush*
Bullets: *hit air*
Terrrorists: *are confused*
CTU: *ambush*
Terrorists: *die*
Jack: *breaks loose and kills people*
Bald badguy: *blows up self*
Counter-terrorists: *win*
Jack: Have any of you hostages seen a dude? Buisnessman, black suit, white shirt, yellow tie?
Hostages: No, but he has terrible fashion sense.
FLOTUS: *musing*
Wade: *sneaks up behind**knocks the frick out* *steals transcript* *cops feel*
Me: *mutes again*
Badguy in disguise: Hello, terrorist associate! I have the keycard!
Associate: Good. Let us use it on this large mysterious container. Unnamed redshirt terrorist footsoldiers, assist us.
Container: *has crapload of containers with biohazard symbols*
Clock: Beep. Boop.

24 Season 5 Premiere synopsis (spoilers)

Warning: spoilers for the Season 5 opening of 24.
Opening credites: "Special Guest Appearance: Dennis Haysbert"
Me: Uh-oh.
Palmer: *dies*
Me: Headshot!
Michelle and Tony: *fight*
Me: Meh.
Michelle: *dies*
Me: Yay!
Tony: *dies*
Me: The Tony/Jack slashers will hate this.
Tony: *is actually critical*
Me: ...of course. They weren't kidding when they said everything would change in the first five minutes.
MILF: Have breakfast with us.
Bish: *tries to take on the master*
Jack: *calls his bluff*
Chloe: (to new character she just slept with) This was a msitake.
Me: Nice butt.
Badguys: *try and kill Chloe*
Chloe: *outwits*
*calls Jack*
Jack: *steals chopper, kidnaps Bish*
*saves Chloe*
Badguy: *is wounded*You were framed for Palmer's murder. *is shot*
Bish: OMG!
Me: That's a guy. A GUY, Jonn.
Golden trio: We go to the Hotel where Palmer was shot, so we can find the Philosopher's Stone.
Chloe: This will be a sneaking mission. I can use the computer the terrorists conveiniently left in their van. And the communications equipment.
CTU: There's a threat against the visiting Soviet dignitary. And Jack was seen on the security camera. And Chloe is logged in remotely. Jack must be forcing her.
President Logan: Speech.
First Lady: Let me see my husband, or I will have you and your family eating dog food out of a can!
Secret Agent Man: No.
First Lady: Crap.
Logan: Now that the speech is over, Honey, what's wrong?
First Lady: Palmer was going to tell me something important before he died.
Logan: Have you been off your meds?
FL: No.
Logan: I'll look into it.
Security Chief: I'll look into it.
CTU: Logan, Jack is alive.
Logan: OMG.
CTU: And you should probably cancel the Russian dude's trip.
Logan: Frick no.
Bish: Why do you keep calling him "Jack"?
Chloe: Because he faked his death when the gov't tried to kill him.
Bish: Oh snap.
Logan: Mrs. Logan? This not-altered-at-all tape shows you dreamed it all. JT is alive.
Jack: *disguises self* *wins trust of Palmer's effete brother*
Me: Jack/Tony/Palmer bro OTP!
Chloe: I am sending a decryption program for that mysterious file Palmer encrypted, even though I have no idea what format it is written in, and you're using a Mac.
Program: *decrypts*
Me: *goes to bathroom*
Plot: *advances*
Jack: Now to sneak out of the airport and return his Bishiness.
CTU: *locks Chloe out*
Chloe: Oh snap.
Jack: *escapes Hotel crawling with cops*
Chloe: *is diversion*
Jack: *jacks car*
Me: Heh.
Jack: *drives to station* I am giving you back to your mother. Oh, and I'm a secret agent. Now I am going into this airport.
Shadowy Terrorist Boss: Attack.
Badguys: *park at airport*
Russian dignitary: *Lands safely.*
CTU: Huh.
Bish: Those look like badguys. I've got to tell Jack! *goes into station*
MILF: Oh snap.
Random fat guy: *is interrogated*
Badguys: *take over airport*
Bish: Onoz.
Jack: *is distracted*
Fat guy: *kills self with pill*
Me: Should've laid off the V.
Badguys: You'll be fine as long as the Russian President and Logan meet our demands.
Security chief: *plots with badguy*
Clock: Beep. Boop. Beep. Boop.
Me: Oh snap.